4 Years in Heaven on 4/4/1+3

So the number 4 creeps into my life once again with it's tail between it's legs.  During the time of Trey's short life, the number 4 resonated, from his time of birth to his time of passing.  Everything was connected to the number 4.  My lucky number has always been 5 but 4 trumped it in the depths of our grief. 

This year, Trey would have been 4 and this year he had hi 4th Angelversary.  At this point we are a family of 4, John and I and our 2 children.  Months ago I decided that I wanted to try for another baby, no doubt to get back to my lucky number 5, after Trey's 4th Birthday.  I could have started earlier but I had a strong feeling about Trey being 4 and waiting until after that birthday.  I want so badly to turn our Earthly family into a family of 4 so I can reclaim the number 5 adding Trey.

But that 4 is a sly one.  My husband has gone back and forth about having another child.  Is 4 waiting in the shadows to plague our lives forever?

It is in my soul and every cell of my body to have 3 children, I have dreamt about it my whole life.  I still feel that a 3rd child is in my future, I see him/her (but mainly him) standing with Trey waiting for the right time.  This same decisiveness plagued my hopes and my husband's heart after we lost Trey.  He was shell shocked by the loss of his first born, his son, and by the birth of our daughter spent the first few months rocking our eardrums.

I always say to him my favorite line from the movie Steal Magnolias, "No one got anywhere by being scarred all the time." 

I feel like having another child is not only a service to our daughter, who would be an AWESOME big sister, but also a completion to our family.  It seems, selfishly, that things would come for circle for me with one more child.  Of course, as with Lorelei, I was not trying to replace Trey, just giving hope to life and the family we always wanted.  I can't give up on that.  When I see babies I yearn for another one of my own, despite the challenges.  I don't want us to be a family of 4, 4 has already intruded enough.

So listen up 4, I won't go down easily!  You've had the upper hand before but your days are numbered!

Commandeering For a Cause

When Trey was transferred to Egleston Children's Hospital, the hospital gave us a room to stay in so we could be near our son. We didn't have any toiletries to get ourselves freshen up with so we had to call on family and friends to bring us items to clean up with.

For this year's service project, I asked loved ones to collect UNOPENED toiletries to donate to the hospital so that parents can have less to worry about and will be able to freshen up and take care of themselves in a difficult situation such as having a loved one in the ICU.

Participants helped by contacting any one in the hospitality industry, medical field, or dentistry profession and ask them to donate unopened toiletries such as soap, shampoo, lotion, conditioner, etc. They asked dentists if they were willing, ask him/her to donate dental items such as mouth wash, toothbrushes, toothpaste, or floss to the cause. Those who travel a lot and are anything like me, "commandeered" any toiletries included in their room or ask the manager to donate.

They went to stores and bought travel sized items and donated funds for the project so that I can go out and purchase these items in their name.

572 shampoos
451 conditioners
559 lotions
22 miscellaneous items
5 toiletry sets
10 make-up bags
25 hand sanitizers
7 packages of tissues
753 soaps
67 body washes
120 mouth washes
20 shoe shining kits
20 shower caps
5 sewing kits
97 hair products
75 toothbrushes
42 make-up items
7 perfumes
101 tooth pastes
25 shaving products
20 feminine products
113 facial products
15 dental kits =

3131 TOILETRIES!!!

The Loot

After 400 had been sorted

After another 250 sorted

Another 200 done

After the first sorting session

Still have a lot to do

Getting closer to the end

Egleston's donations

The After math

Scottish Rite donations

Thank goodness I am done!

Business cards for both hospitals

Sweet Tribute

Gale is one of the followers of this blog and a LIKE on Facebook.  She makes balloons for special Angel Birthdays and Angel Dates ans releases them to the Heavens for our Angels to catch.  Please read her moving blog entry about making Trey's balloon today.

http://fittsiesangelbabybirthdayballoons.blogspot.com/2013/04/today-with-trey.html?showComment=1365109501490#c4206843706451535879

Overcoming

One of my former student's mom is a writer and created a blog featuring stories of women who have overcome challenges in life.  She interviewed me about out journey through grief and created a two part blog post about our story.  Please read the first part of our journey, follow her blog, and share your story with her so she can share with other women.

http://www.melonybrown.com/2013/03/overcoming-tragedy-part-1/

Why do I cry

...when I didn't truly bond with him in this life?

...when he was only here 13 days?

...when we were careful about our visits because they had to stabilize him after we left?

...when I don't the cast memories most parents have?

...when my hope for his survival out weighed everything a mother should be doing with a newborn?

...when he never drank the breast milk I pumped for him?

...when I couldn't bear to be there when he died?

...when I didn't realize that the baby I was physically connected to was in trouble?

...when I was in denial that he was not going to make it?

...when I created Angel Steps to support families like ours?

...when parents make a connection with the things that I write?

...when I perform service projects in his honor?

...when he is with me always?

...when he has touched to many in his short life?

...when his legacy is carried out by me?

...when I know that God saved him the sickness of this Earth?

...when I know he is my personal Angel for life?

...when I feel such pride as a Mommy for my first born?

...when I feel the love that everyone has for "Our Boy"?

...when I know he is taking all Angel Babies when they go to Heaven?

...when mt favorite picture of him with his eyes open makes me smile?

...when Lorelei points to his picture and says "baaaaaaaby"?

...when loved ones join in the conversation when I speak of him?

...when I was lucky enough to get pregnant with him when so many struggle to become parents?

...when I can picture him with my Mucca and all of the other loves ones I miss in Heaven?

...when I know that he hears me when I talk to him?

...when I know that he is proud that I am his Mommy?

...when he was given the choice of which soul to send down to us to be his sibling?

...when I look at Lorelei and see all of  the smiles I missed with Trey?


I cry because of the pride I feel for my son, Trey.  

missing

I was awoken this morning, Trey's 4th Birthday, by an alert on my phone.  The sound of the thunder and rain had me believing that I would be looking at some sort of weather warning.  As it turns out, it was an Amber Alert, meaning a child is missing.

I tried to go back to sleep but the significance of the day ping ponged through my mind.  It seems like 4 years ago all of these memories were a blur.  When these special anniversaries come around there is a constant movie, a play by play of sorts, that provides the soundtrack to these days.

I found it ironic that, on a day that I am missing my child the most, I am awake because of an alert about a missing child.

Drip...drip

John and I still bathe with our daughter, John usually has her in the shower and I in the bath.  The past two days she has had a fever so I had to stay home with her today, my husband can't pick her up due to spinal surgery almost a month ago.

We have lived in our home for 4 1/2 years and I know the ins and outs of our home so it surprised when the cold drip that comes from the nozzles of the shower affected me.  Per usual, I was singing along with the IPod hoping my daughter would inherit the same love on music my DNA possesses and watching her play with warmth in my heart.  In these days of dread, both of Trey's Birthday and Angel Day, the littlest things bring me down but watching my daughter happy kills all sadness.  A midst the joy of the healing time together with my daughter, that's when I felt it...

a cold drip...

drip

drip...

On and on they continued as they always have but I always moved out of their way favoring a much more warm environment.  This time, it seemed, I was paralyzed by the chill each droplet brought me, I couldn't move and I found myself struggling to keep up with the melody on the IPod.  Much more, I could not keep my thoughts afloat.  With each chilling touch, I was reminded of the ice in the middle of the cold comfort in my life.  Especially at this time when the littlest thing sets me in a tail spin of thought and introspect this cold irony chilled any bit of strength that I hold onto when special dates come around.

At some point I just let them fall on me, at first wincing at their icy sting then comforted by the reality of its' presence.

I began to think that the environment I found myself in was 95% warmth and purity.  Only 5% stole away from that, made me think, caused me to feel in such a way.  Isn't that life?  Most of our lives fill us, whether we know it or not, with love and purpose.  The things that truly plague us amount to very little if we truly value and focus on those entities that fill us with love an hope.  I find myself sunk in all that life has dealt me, not steering myself to the love all around me.  Yes, I love my son and that will never change.  I also love my family, friends, home, career, health, causes, spirit, voice, personality, and so many other things that I include that my mind is kicking itself not able to relay.

This revelation does not, AT ALL, reflect on the love I have for my son yet it proves that love does indeed carry on.  When we found out that we were pregnant with Trey a new love grew from the love already in our loves.  That love still lives amongst every other element of love we have gathered and held dear since our birth.

The cold still stings and ironically radiates.  Yet out of the cold drips of life, the warmth of love carries me forward.  In this instance, I did not let the cold drips steel me away from the time that I spent in the midst of love.  It is a reminder but it is not my total temperature.